What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
