Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
