I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
