I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
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making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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