you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
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Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
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This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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