vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
