He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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