You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
