I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
