Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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