Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
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the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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