she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
