she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
