Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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