She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
