I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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