Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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