We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
