your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
