paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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