Don't EVER smell your tampon
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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