I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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