I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
