your thong is hanging out like whoa
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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