So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
