When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
