Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
