The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize