I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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