I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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