TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
