I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
