your parents love me but you hate me
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
