i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
