My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
