I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
