nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Randomize
