my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
