Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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