SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
