Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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