Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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