she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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