Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
