I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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