Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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