Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
