he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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