There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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