Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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