Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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