Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
