My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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