I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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