last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
