Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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