I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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