Who did Billy Mays play for?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
