I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
