Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
