Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
