My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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