I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
