He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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