I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
